I just got back from the grocery store where I bought sodas, snacks and water for the shoot this week. Now, I was wearing my bluetooth earpiece because HEY, you never know who's going to call me at 6:30 in the morning and holding a cell phone up to your ear is SO uncool. Besides, even though Halloween is still 6 weeks away, it's never too early to start piecing together your costume. The bluetooth looks distinctly Borg-ish.

Anyway, I'm at the checkout counter and some wormy little joe in front of me turns and starts staring at me. In those situations, I either ignore them, pretend I don't notice them or snarl out a "What?!", depending on my mood. Today I ignored him. Or tried to, until he piped up with a "Hey, guy, what's that thing in your ear?"

Hey, GUY? That's awfully familiar. And obnoxiously slick in a polyester sort of way. Hey, GUY? From strangers to best buds in 2 seconds. I would have preferred the standard, "Excuse me," but this squirm obviously attended the Rodney Dangerfield Correspondence Course on How to Introduce Yourself in Casual Society.

"It's a bluetooth," I explained. "It's an earpiece extension for my cell phone."

"Wow, guy, that's pretty neat."

I felt like Walter Matthau in THE SUNSHINE BOYS: "Again with the GUY!" But then this moleman, and I kid you not, picked up a Snickers bar from the candy section, SCRATCHED HIMSELF BETWEEN THE SHOULDER BLADES WITH IT, then PUT IT BACK! Heteros.

I paid for the food, then took it back to my car. As I was loading it, guess who turned out to be parked right next to me?

"Hey, guy, you going on a picnic?"

I looked around for a weapon, but decided I'd let the models down if I had to cancel the video because I was in jail for manslaughter. "No," I said, not looking at him. "It's for a film shoot."

"Porn, huh?" he replied, jumping to a huge (but correct) conclusion. "You gonna see lots of titty today, guy?"

I put down the last case of bottled water wtih a thud, then turned to him. "No," I said, "but I will see lots of hard dick." I leaned in for effect. "LOTS of it."

His face went white, and he muttered "Oh." Spinning on one heel, he turned and jumped into his car. The engine roared to life and I waved as he sped off.

"Seeya, guy!"

Heteros.

JBK