Last Sunday, I attended the video shoot that will open the Grabby Awards May 27th in Chicago. The premise seemed to be a spoof of two very popular films, one recent, one not-so (I won't reveal them to keep the surprise a surprise). It was shot at a beautiful house in Bel-Air.

I left the valley around 1:30pm where it was raining and hailing (!), and as soon as I got over the hill, suddenly it was gone and there was nothing but sunshine. I arrived at the house at 2:00. As I was parking, I noticed a white car across the street doing the same. It was JEREMY SPENCER, along with JASON TIYA and ANDY KIRRA. We all greeted each other, and while Jeremy fished something out of his car, I followed Jason and Andy into the house, which was sort of pentagonal-shaped with a pool and courtyard in the middle. Upon entering, I saw GUS MATTOX, CHAD HUNT, TREVOR KNIGHT, TY HUDSON, MICHAEL KNIGHT, TIM RUSTY and DAMON PHOENIX. Behind the scenes-ers BIG DADDY RALPH, ROSS CANNON and a couple others I didn't know were also there. Director JIM STEEL and model KURT YOUNG showed up a few minutes later. A lean, very cut BRAD BENTON slid a pair of grey sweats off, exposing his tight little buns snugly wrapped in a tiny swim suit that said "SPANK" in large letters across the ass. He began putting on a pair of roller skates, which he bemoaned were two sizes too small for him, but being an ex-ice skater, he was used to tight shoes.

It was nice and sunny, but still chilly enough to keep my grey fleece pullover on. I knew they were going for a summer look, but no one was going to get that fleece off me. The poor porn boys were shivering in their speedos.

There was a spread of cheese, crackers and veggies, and we were all chowing down heartily. Chad Hunt laughed about how he couldn't stay about from the fattening cheese and soda. I surprised myself by sticking mainly to the veggies. Must have been in that kind of mood.

The first thing they wanted to shoot was everyone getting out of the back seat of a hummer that was carrying CHI CHI LARUE's entourage to the house of HONEY WEST for a party. They asked each of us to exit the hummer, stop and pose for the camera, then continue. It was to be a throwback to cheesy 70's porn. I noticed that Ty Hudson's speedo had a zipper, so I grabbed him and said, "I have an idea for a bit we can do." We all got in line and as filming started, we began to make our way through the back of the car, which, dear readers, is not easy for us big boys to do, even in a hummer. Anyway, Ty got out of the car, paused and zipped up his fly, then continued. I got out immediately afterward, licking my lips and wiping off the corners of my mouth. As I continued, I saw someone in the crowd watching, silently clap his hands and bend over with laughter, so I knew it worked.

The take was going well, until Jim Steel got out and WHAM! fell flat on his face. He was okay, but the take was ruined, and we had to do it again. The hummer had to be repositioned, then again, then again (I said out loud that it looked like Helen Keller trying to parallel park), then we shot Take 2. I didn't think I performed my bit as well the second time, but it seemed okay, and I swear I almost got stuck going through the back of that metal beast. They wanted one more, and after repositioning the damn car again, they had us do it one more time. Chad Hunt had his cell phone plastered to his ear and said something hilarious as he got out (sorry, no spoilers—okay, a little one. It was a very funny little jab at MICHAEL LUCAS. Someone asked him how he, a Lucas Entertainment exclusive, could poke fun at the boss and get away with it. Chad replied, "I'm the only one who can!"), then the rest of us followed. I thought I did my bit even less well this time, but whatcha gonna do?

Next, we moved to the courtyard, where STACEY the director had Big Daddy Ralph, Jim Steel, me and another guy whose name I've forgotten (sorry) sit at a small poolside table. I took the seat closest to the pool, figuring it would get me more screen time, lol, and it DID. More on that in a minute. The porn boys got in the pool, splashing around and complaining that the water was cold. Matt Damon-lookalike DAMON PHOENIX swam around, showing off his gorgeous body, as Jason Tiya ran around the edge of the pool, sticking his foot in, then pulling it back out and running around some more. Finally, Chad Hunt got tired of it all and pushed him in. He laughed and splashed around, and as the water was up to his neck, I turned to the other guys at the table and said the camera should capture Jason (who's black) treading water, saying "The levees have broken!", which I thought (and still do) that it was funny. Jim Steel rolled his eyes, and the other two were silent, so I guess I was alone, there, but c'mon, we work in porn. Why play the PC game? (For the record, Jason thought it was funny.) The boys convinced the house owners to turn the heat up in the jacuzzi, and Chad, Ty, Jason and Trevor climbed inside while Andy, Rusty and Damon stayed in the big pool.

Well, I've mentioned before how Ty Hudson is insatiable when it comes to sex. And when you put a bunch of porn boys together...well, within a very few minutes, all the guys in the hot tub had their suits off and were at full attention. Ty took turns stroking and sucking on Chad and Trevor, then Chad leaned forward and started licking Jason's balls. Ty moved from sucking Trevor to rimming Chad and Jason while the cameras moved in to film some of it. Later, Ty would ask me who the two guys he was sucking in the hot tub were. When I asked him which two guys, he said, "The one with the big dick and the one with the REALLY BIG DICK." After identifying them as Trevor and Chad, respectively, Ty said, "I couldn't deep throat Chad's cock! In my entire life, his is the only dick I've never been able to completely swallow!" See, Chad? Finally a downside to having an 11" member.

I watched a bit, then suddenly Damon Phoenix was standing before me, dripping wet, staring me directly in the eyes. Surprised, I said, "Oh, hello!" and he began to lower himself onto my leg. "You're wet!' I screeched, completely forgetting that a handsome, muscular, practically-naked young man was about to sit on me. He lowered his butt onto my left leg and hugged me, kissing my neck. I was wondering what the hell was going on. If he wanted to work in one of my movies, just give me a card like everyone else does. Suddenly, I saw the cameraman on the other side of the pool filming us. I got it. Damon took me by surprise again, when he looked me right in the eyes and slowly kissed me on the lips. They were soft and warm, and it was a very nice kiss. He got up, turned around and sat on my leg again, his back to me. My camera phone was on the table, so I grabbed it, pushed Damon forward, pulled the back of his speedos open and acted like I was taking a picture of his bare ass. I would have actually done this, but my phone was dead. Then he leaned back against me, and I peeked over his shoulder, pulling the front of his suit out and acted like I was peeking at his dick. He got up, smiled at me, then jumped back in the pool, leaving me with a very large wet spot on my leg. From his wet body. Seriously. No, really, it was. Stacey yelled from the other side of the pool that they had been filming it (I guess to keep me from getting a big head thinking that Damon would do it of his own volition).

Then Chi Chi and Honey came out, wearing swim suits and flowing robes. Cheesh's was a sheer off-white with lots of green flowers all over it, and Honey's was black. They looked fabulous! A few takes of them exiting the house and seeing the porn boys were shot. Honey says "It's a party!" to which Chi Chi replies "Where are the hard-ons?" Between takes, Cheesh told us that when he turns fifty, he was going to have a big bonfire, and burn all his dresses and wigs. "I'm retiring from drag at fifty," he said. I thought that would be a perfect ending to a documentary. Filmmakers, take notice!

Next, STEVEN SCARBOROUGH, owner and director of Hot House, appeared to shoot a scene where he fucks Chi Chi in the driveway. The rest of us formed a circle around them while Steven fake-fucked the First Lady of Porn while she screeched and screamed as the camera rolled. They did a close-up pan of everyone's faces watching and told us to look either turned on or disgusted. Brad Benton had the best reaction, pretending to get sick and vomit. Jim Steel acted like he was filming it with his camera phone, and I tried to work up a mouthful of spit. It was my idea to let my mouth hang open and let a big long stream of spit drool out, like I was turned on so much I was in a slobbering stupor. Unfortunately, my mouth was dry, so I made a face like I couldn't believe what I was seeing.

We returned to the kitchen where there was more food laid out. Almonds, pretzels, chips and an oreo cake. I sampled a little of each. Brad Benton came up to me and said, "Hello, fellow loser!" We talked about the GayVNs, and he said that his nominations were in the first and practically last categories, so he had to stay for the whole thing. lol. I introduced myself to Gus Mattox, and he was very nice. Ty was rubbing lotion on Jason, alternating between massaging and rimming his ass. Andy Kirra saw it and went "Eww! In the KITCHEN!?" After Jason, Tim Rusty dropped his pants and took a turn.

Chi Chi came up to me and rubbed her tits against my chest while Jason Tiya laughed and said, "You like that, Jetty?" Steven Scarborough and his partner came up to me and said, "We were talking about you this morning," then got interrupted before he told me what they were talking about! He never did finish! lol

Chi Chi and Honey shot one more thing, and it was over. Everyone started hugging and leaving. I said goodbye to Honey, and she hugged me, but obviously didn't know who I was, even though we were friends ten years ago in Chicago. lol. Ty asked me to wait and walk out with him, so I stood there while he scribbled his phone number for Jason, also wriitng what seemed like directions to his house in another state, it was taking so long.

"Whore," I called out, "why don't you just get business cards like every other hooker?"

"I ran out," he grinned.

I shook my head, then he continued, "I have three different ones."

"One for escorting, one for massage and one for physical training, right?" I asked. He nodded. "Just get one that says PROSTITUTE, and you'll save a lot on printing charges," I said.

Andy Kirra walked by and cheerfully called out "Slut!"

"See?" I said, "we're going to have to come up with new adjectives for you." He laughed.

Ty and I walked out together, and he told me that agent DAVID FOREST had called him wanting to represent him, but he didn't feel he needed it. Brad Benton showed up, kissed us both goodbye, then announced that he was sick with a cold. Great. Ty said Brad should have kissed him on the asshole, and I said, "An orifice is an orifice with you, isn't it?"

Ty and I talked about a project we're planning, then we hugged and said goodbye. I drove home to my hubby, CVK. We had dinner and watched HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE. It was good, but not as good as PRISONER OF AZKABAN. We headed upstairs to bed where I popped FRANKENSTEIN MEETS THE WOLF MAN into the dvd player and fell asleep just as the Wolf Man fell through the ice into the burned-out laboratory. I slept the deep sleep usually reserved for scoundrels.

JBK