JETT BLAKK'S HALLOWEEN 13!
It's that time of year again! When the pumpkins grin with carved up faces and little creatures prowl the streets looking for sweet, sweet candy. So once more, I give you my Halloween 13! Thirteen movies that I thought were the best that I'd seen last year. Now, you may wonder, where's ZOMBIELAND? Where's ORPHAN and JENNIFER'S BODY and SORORITY ROW? Where's HALLOWEEN 2? If you asked that last one, slap yourself. It's quite simple. I haven't seen those yet. They may make next year's list, but for now, here are the Top 13 horror flicks I've SEEN since last October...
1. 13: GAME OF DEATH.
When a poor schmuck loses his job, he gets a mysterious phone call saying that if he completes 13 tasks, he will be paid 100 million dollars. The first one is easy: kill a fly. But each task gets harder and more morally unconscionable. Will he be able to complete all 13 feats? And who is behind this deadly game? This is a Thai film, but the lead is American, which makes it creepier, in my opinion.
2. BAGHEAD.
Two couples who are all actors decide to rent a cottage in the woods and work on a screenplay that they can all star in. Two of them want to do a movie about a relationship, but the other two want to do a horror movie about a guy with a bag on his head. Suddenly, a stranger with a bag on his head REALLY shows up to scare them silly. This movie is part of the infamous "mumblecore" movement, meaning shot on video with no music and no-name actors. The end result has some scary moments, but the interesting thing is that BAGHEAD is a movie about relationships AND a guy with a bag on his head!
3. CORALINE.
Animated film from the director of THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS is about a young girl who is unhappy because her parents have moved her to a new town and are too busy to spend time with her. One night she finds a secret door that leads her to another world—one like her own, but better! Her mother is an amazing cook, her father writes songs just for her and life is so much better. Except everyone has buttons for eyes and Coraline's new mother isn't so happy when she wants to go home. Very creepy atmosphere to what was promoted as a kid's film (it's very dark), and there are some outstandingly amazing animation work.
4. THE COTTAGE.
When a trio of schlubs who work in a club kidnap the owner's daughter intending to hold her for a big ransom, they have no idea what they are in for. The daughter is a foul-mouthed, screaming, arrogant brat who delights in their mistakes, but even she is a small problem when the cottage where they are holding her borders another farm run by a psychopathic farmer. Very dark comedy with many gory effects.
5. CTHULHU.
An adaption of an H.P. Lovecraft story. When a young gay history professor's mother dies, he returns to the small town where he was born and becomes friends with a guy he had a crush on in school. But as he debates on trying to take it further, he discovers that his father is a member of a cult that has its sight set on events that could mean the end of the world. Very impressive for a low-budget film and dripping in eerie atmosphere. The gay characters were a welcome sight.
6. DEADGIRL.
Two high school boys cut class and explore an abandoned mental hospital. In the basement, they discover a naked woman strapped to a table. Even though she has no pulse, she moves and is alert. Instead of freeing her, the boys decide to keep her a secret and make her their personal sex slave. While one boy has guilty feelings, the other one becomes more and more obsessed with possessing her. But when the secret gets out, how far will they go to protect their "property"? And just what IS the dead woman? Low-budget flick with a great script and very disturbing performances. This is one that you will not forget for a while.
7. DRAG ME TO HELL.
Sam Raimi returns to horror with this film about a bank loan officer who refuses to extend the mortgage payment of an old gypsy woman. The angry gypsy puts a curse on the young lady, telling her that she will die in one week. As her life is invaded by evil forces that become stronger, she seeks the help of another gypsy to lift the curse. Filmed in the same hyperkinetic style as Raimi's THE EVIL DEAD, this movie is more of a roller coaster ride than a creepfest, but it's a good one.
8. FASTER, PUSSYCAT, KILL!...KILL!
Three tough strippers kill the boyfriend of a couple they come across in the desert. They take the girl hostage and end up at a farmhouse where an old man supposedly has a lot of money hidden. The girls seduce the sons to find out where the money is, but the old man has a sinister plan of his own is this crazy Russ Meyer film. If you haven't seen it, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?? I showed this at my birthday party and it was a huge hit. If you like John Waters' old films or BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE DOLLS, you will love this.
9. The FEAST trilogy.
I'm counting all 3 of these films together, since it's basically one continuous storyline. In a desert bar, the customers must barricade themselves against a trio of monsters that are determined to kill them. In part 2, the survivors meet up with a female biker gang and travel to the nearby town where the monsters are attacking, too. In part 3, they survivors try to get out of town without being killed and eaten. Extremely fast-paced and with a crazy style that often breaks the fourth wall, I was pleasantly surprised by how much fun all 3 movies were.
10. THE MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN.
Based on the short story by Clive Barker, a photographer takes a picture of a supermodel boarding the NY subway one night, and when she disappears the next day, he is convinced that his photo holds a clue to the murderer. As he investigates, he discovers that there is a lot more going on than a simple serial killer riding the midnight train, and once he travels down this dark path of discovery, can he survive? Directed by Ryuhei Kitamura, the so-called "Japanese Tarantino", MMT is a very dark film about obsession and how it can destroy your life. Bradley Cooper is very good in it, but my biggest problem with it was the ending, which was not given the set up the story gave it and comes as a bit of a WTF? moment.
11. MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3D.
T.J. returns home to his small mining town after the death of his father. T.J. left town after he caused a mining accident that drove one miner, Harry Warden, insane then kill 22 people in town 10 years previous. As if the resentment of the townspeople weren't enough, his best friend, Alex, is now the sheriff and married to T.J.'s old girlfriend. Suddenly, someone in a miner outfit begins killing people in vicious ways. Is Harry Warden back? First of all, I love the original film and find it superior to this one in many ways. However, seeing this in the theater in 3D is crucial. The effects were excellent. Without the 3D, there are still some shocks and gore, but the movie cheats so we can't figure out who the killer is. Worth a look but check out the original, too.
12. ONE-EYED MONSTER.
A porn company goes into the mountains to shoot a video with Ron Jeremy and Veronica Hart. Ron has problems getting a hard-on, so he goes outside for a breather, just in time to get hit in the crotch by a meteorite. The alien entity inside possesses Ron's dick, which leaves his body and sets off on its own, killing every man it comes across in its desire to impregnate women! A horror-comedy with one or two scary moments. A scene where Jeremy and Hart talk about how the porn biz has changed was especially poignant, I thought.
13. TENTACLES.
Take an Italian giallo film, change the setting from Rome to a seaside town, replace the black-gloved killer with a giant octopus, add an overacting Shelley Winters, Bo Hopkins, Henry Fonda and other stars who needed money and you have TENTACLES. A giant octopus terrorizes a small ocean town killing anyone in or near the water where a radio is playing. A sailing race is planned for the summer, but the octopus has other plans. Some good creepy scenes, but most of it is overacting, B-movie fun.
And for my "one to see" film, I am going to recommend a movie I haven't seen yet myself, but the buzz around it is so strong they're calling it this decade's BLAIR WITCH PROJECT.
PARANORMAL ACTIVITY.
You may have heard about it already. A young married couple get their first house but begin experiencing odd phenomena at night, so they set up a video camera to record their bedroom after it gets dark. What they find supposedly makes for a terrifying experience, according to preview audiences. I'll be watching for this one.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
JBK
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